The term “boundaries” has evolved from a buzzword to a way of life. In the age of technology and remote work, we all set parameters to safeguard our personal lives and mental health. But what about when damaging things become part of our workday? How do you maintain professionalism while hanging up or walking out to protect your heart and mind?
Recently, I had a deja vu moment that (I hope) has now run its last lap in my mind and memory. I can’t go into the details of this interaction without risking jeopardy to a client, but let’s just say it left me reeling. The phone conversation lasted no more than twenty minutes, but a lot of damage can be done in twenty minutes. The voice on the other end railed against me with insults and criticisms, partial truths and outright lies. All while touting this individual’s superior professionalism and maturity. For this person’s own development, I wish the call had been recorded.
The Backstory
This doesn’t happen often (Praise the Lord!), but it has happened once before, thus the deja vu. I can share some details for this story as I’m no longer associated with this person or organization.
I was a first-time executive director and felt all the joy and satisfaction of trailblazing a path. It was my first time having the autonomy and capacity to do big things, and I did them fast. For the most part, this was good. Every key performance metric of the organization was up. We had a sparkly new donated building and ambitious goals for expansion.
One employee felt differently. Let’s call her Betty. Betty didn’t report to me and worked out of a separate location than I did. In fact, as I think back, I hardly interacted with Betty at all. We’d had maybe half a dozen short/informal conversations over my time with the organization. As far as I knew, she was kind and worked well for our mission. One day, however, she emailed and asked me to meet with her privately. We met at a building the organization had recently acquired that was unoccupied. It was draped in tarps as it was being painted, and we sat on the reception area counter because of the lack of options.
Betty opened the conversation by saying she was going to share “the truth in love” with me. For context, we were working for a ministry, and she was referencing Ephesians 4:15 from the Bible. What followed was not love by my definition, and I’m pretty sure Jesus has my back on this one. It was verbally violent hatred for me. She was calm, deliberate, and quite rehearsed, but ultimately, every word was intended to devalue and damage me. I sat on that tarp-covered counter, speechless.
When Betty wrapped up her wrath, she explained she was quitting in four weeks (apparently, my level of awfulness could be tolerated until she started a new job).
How Can We Have a Dark Side When We’re Doing Good?
It’s possible that both of these situations were jarring because they were so unexpected. People don’t say cruel things when working for ministries, do they? They certainly always assume the best of each other, right? Maybe not so much…
Years ago, a book called Who Moved My Cheese was published. You may have read it. It was wildly popular and became a board and organizational development meeting staple. In the shortest, most straightforward summary, it analogizes what we value most (cheese) and how upset we can be when those things are changed (moved) through the story of four little mice. As best I can figure, in both instances of these wildly absurd and dark interactions, I moved someone’s cheese. Unwelcome changes unleash the dark side. So do intense passion and pride – two undeniable components of cause work.
Did that justify their response? Absolutely not. Would I do the things I did again, knowing how they’d respond? Damn straight. But, I’d probably communicate differently and lean on empathy to ease them through challenging changes. Hindsight is 20/20, and the kind of hindsight you get after a traumatic conversation is worthless for the current situation. The damage is done.
Hanging Up and Walking Out
I wish I’d walked out on Betty after the first few sentences of her “truth in love” speech. Not because I don’t respect her or value her right to share her mind, but because her words were destructive. Disconnecting from the communication would have saved her face, saved me some counseling, and ultimately, maybe the professional relationship would have been salvaged. Had I stopped the conversation and asked for her to take a beat, she could have taken some deep breaths, and I could have shown more empathy. Instead, I sat until the end of her rant, totally speechless.
Other than it taking place on the phone instead of in an empty building, this latest situation was eerily similar. The main difference was that I hung up. That’s right. I hung up on this person who spent twenty minutes and a lot of hot air telling me how important he was and how invaluable I was. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.
Following the phone call, I called the client’s board president. With grace and professionalism, she heard me out and paused as she thought through the situation. Her response was perfect: You must disconnect from that situation.
The Distinction Between Hard Truths and Destructive Talk
We all have to listen to hard truths at times. We need them to grow. Beauty and growth come with giving and receiving the truth when it’s motivated by love. With constructive criticism, we will become a better version of ourselves. Here are some hallmarks of constructive criticism:
- It’s balanced with some positivity. It affirms the individual’s value.
- It’s true.
- It’s actionable.
- It’s not a drive-by message. The person speaking has good intentions and will work with you to improve.
Likewise, here are some signs you’re dealing with someone ready to take you to task on the dark side:
- It’s a one-sided conversation (a rant). Or thrown into a conversation out of context.
- It’s false or heavily embellished.
- Conclusive statements are used, i.e., “You are _________” or, “You have failed.”
- The person expresses no interest in continuing or improving the professional relationship.
Ultimately, hanging up or walking out when the conversation goes dark is not unprofessional or wrong. You’re protecting your heart and mind to further your mission; you may even be protecting someone from making a fool of themselves.
